There are two types of people in the world: those with Brussels sprout blood and those with Pringles blood. If you were born with Brussels sprout blood, congratulations! You've won a genetic lottery. A bug might bite you on occasion if there are no other snacks around, but none is craving you.
Myself, I am cursed with Pringles blood. Bugs make 2 a.m. runs to Plaid Pantry just to get a taste. And once they pop? They just can't stop. Mosquitoes especially are obsessed with me. They put up MOST WANTED signs with my mug. They host true crime podcasts devoted to solving the mystery of why my blood is so delicious. I've considered a restraining order.
If this seems melodramatic, let me explain my complex. When I was a kid, mosquitoes kept getting into my house and feasting upon me (and only me!) all summer long. My family tried to protect me in several ways.
We wondered if they somehow were leading each other to my bedroom, like ants with pheromone trails or honeybees with waggle dancing; thus, I tried sleeping in different rooms. Still, the winged vampires found me.
My crunchy mother (who was crunchy long before it was cool) tried dousing me with allegedly repellent herbs and oils before bed. Still, the mosquitos swarmed me. We resorted to store-bought synthetic bug repellent. It helped a little, but still, they bit me. A D V E R T I S I N G | Continue reading below
Despite the dry Idaho heat, my exasperated parents borrowed an idea from the forest witch in Hansel and Gretel and stuffed me into a metaphorical stove. They made me wear a sweatsuit, socks, and gloves to bed and stay fully under the covers. If you, my Brussels sprout reader, have never been a child with sensory issues incinerated in a fabric oven in the high desert night, consider yourself doubly blessed! And still — still — the mosquitoes smothered me. I would emerge from my sweaty blankets, change out of my torture outfit, and find new welts.
The only thing that eventually stopped these attacks was my dad fixing some suspect window screens. Not sure why we didn't start with that, but it's fine. I'm fine.
This latent trauma was revived recently as I opened all my windows to welcome in the cool early summer air. This has never caused issues before, but either my cats damaged some screens over the winter or the long rainy spring caused a population explosion in our neighborhood because hordes of skeeters immediately invaded. I woke up one morning to find my hand, bitten six times, looking like an inflated latex glove, and my face, also bitten six places, looking like Ron Perlman.
Besides checking my screens, I won't waste my time returning to our ineffective indoor experiments of yesteryear. It's time for outdoor science!
The first and most crucial line of defense has been nitpicking my yard for any stagnant water, where mosquitoes breed (see sidebar). For instance, I found a large Mason jar inexplicably left on the ground behind the grill with an inch of grubby water in it, and lo and behold, I could see approximately one bazillion larvae wiggling around. (Ew.)
Time will tell if my puddle sleuthing killed off the next generation. In the meantime, I've wondered what supplemental strategies could help (besides, of course, burning my whole yard or living inside a plastic bubble). A D V E R T I S I N G | Continue reading below
The internet is full of advice about various plants repelling mosquitoes, but the internet is full of myths and half-truths. Before growing a lavender fortress or basil moat around my home, I wanted the facts.
I talked with Weston Miller, community horticulturist for OSU Extension, about whether those of us afflicted with Pringles blood could garden our way to safety. He wasn't enthused.
"I have not seen reliable research as such," he said, though research has not necessarily been abundant. (There's not a lot of money in Anti-Mosquito Plant Science.)
Studies show many commonly recommended plants, such as geraniums or eucalyptus, contain oils that indeed may have some efficacy — when extracted and concentrated. Unfortunately, insects are not aware or afraid of the oils within the lemongrass around your patio, so the plants themselves don't help.
Things that can help? Sitting or sleeping beside a fan (mosquitoes are weak flyers), wearing loose, light-colored clothes, and using repellent during peak skeeter hours. But as Miller said, "the main thing is making sure there is no standing water on the property: planters, tires, little ponds."
And if all else fails, try sleeping in the oven.
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